I'm trying really hard not to feel like a slacker...

I have a new apartment that I am moving into Oct. 10th.  I quit my job at Fresh to focus more energy on school.  I changed my courses and school plan around a little so that I am actually interested in what I'm reading and writing and talking about.  I made all of these decisions in the last 7 days, which is quite a feat for me.  

I am sad about leaving Fresh, but I am really excited to JUST be in school.  I have only JUST been in school for one school year as long as I can remember, and that was my first year at McGill. In high school I was in school AND working AND dancing 20 hours a week.  In second year at McGill I was working at RVC.  In third and fourth year I was floorfellowing and working and volunteering and yet still probably had the most free time of all of my friends, if you can believe that.  Last year I was in school and TAed, and second semester I worked.  This semester, I will be in school.  That's it.  I'm excited.  I truly am.  

Decisions:

I do not like making them. 

Oh my god, we're back again...

Preface: Why am I so very terrible at writing in this blog?  I think I like the idea of having this thing more than I know what to write about in it.  I still find the whole nature of a blog a tad weird.  I mean, I feel like it takes the form of a diary or journal, and yet where those have been traditionally private, a blog is so very public.  So public!  Not only can my friends read it if they so choose, but so can complete strangers if they somehow find themselves at this site.  How strange is that?  Why do these strangers care about what I have to say?  Why would I want them to have access to my thoughts?  I'm not entirely convinced that having a blog isn't an act of exhibitionism somehow.  Last year I took this class, which I mentioned in my very first post in this blog, called "Writing the Self, Reading the Life".  It was an entire class on biography, autobiography, memoir, etc..  The way we approached the material was from the question of why we, as people, are so obsessed with recording our lives, and even more so why we're so obsessed with consuming the lives of others.  Why do people find "based on a true story" stories more appealing than fiction?  What on earth is wrong with fiction?!  Fiction is awesome!  It's just so interesting.  This is all to say that every time I think to myself that I should write in this blog, and obviously now it has been quite some time since I've done just that, I can't figure out what it is that I would write about.  My own life?  Okay, sure.  But the problem becomes how I want to write about my own life, or the things that are happening in it, or the things that are exciting me, without feeling silly or uncomfortable or self-conscious or some other feeling of plaguing self-doubt about who will read it and what they will subsequently think of my writing, or of me.  And so I don't write.  And I constantly add and remove the link to this blog from my facebook profile.  I don't want people to read it, but I do, because otherwise what is the point of even keeping a blog? 

Chantale is always telling me that I think too much, that I need to just be.  She's totally right, but I can't help overanalyzing everything (gee, can you tell?).  

This is all to say that

Life is pretty good.  I think I am finally actually in love with Toronto.  Actually, I know I am.  I am totally honeymoon staging with Toronto right now, and it is awesome.  Sure, I still love Montreal dearly, but I find that in my head Montreal is infused with all these nostalgic qualities and memories and sometimes I miss it, but then when I actually go back I'm underwhelmed.  I still have a great time when I'm there, and I obviously love seeing my important people who are still there, but moving away was definitely definitely the right thing.  I had a great summer.  I convinced myself over the summer that I wasn't looking forward to going back to school, that I wished I could just be done already, but that is just not true.  I am back in school, and right now (before all the major stresses and anxiety that will come mid-October) I am very happy about it.  This is my last semester of classes, and so far I like them all.  Next semester I will be doing my own research, and while that is kind of daunting I'm also really excited about it.  I know (in very vague terms) what I'm going to write about, and while it's totally still academic, it also is something that feels real and tangible and important for actual people in the real world that is outside of academia.  The best of both worlds!  I am also moving again - my mother tells me I have a sickness.  That may well be true, I certainly have moved more times than anyone really should, but regardless I am very certain that I've made the right decision about this move.  And while I'm quite sad to be leaving my current place and roomates, I am also really excited about a new place, in a new neighbourhood, and all the new wonderful things that will inevitably follow from those changes.  I'm completely happy about the no meat thing, and I'm never even tempted.  Although I often find myself feeling guilty because I struggle a lot with keeping rennet out of my life.  I am not ready or willing to give up cheese, and while I try to buy myself rennet free cheese for home, there is so much cheese out there in the world that isn't rennet-free, or that people don't even know whether it is rennet-free.  There's also the leather thing.  I have all these leather things, belts, shoes, bags, etc., and I really feel like an asshole now using/wearing them.  But for one a lot of that stuff is used stuff from value village, and for another thing I already HAD it before I stopped eating meat.  I'm not going to buy anymore leather, that's for sure, but I still feel like a hypocrite when I don't eat meat and I wear my leather belt.  I do not like feeling like that, and I also do not like giving people ammunition to undermine my decision to not eat meat.  Why do people want to do that?  Why is it that people who themselves eat meat want to look for flaws in MY vegetarianism?  Like I have one leather belt or eat some cheddar that isn't rennet-free and suddenly it doesn't even matter that I don't eat meat?  It would be one thing if these were other people who didn't eat meat or whatever trying to encourage me to be a better vegetarian, but I don't really need to hear it from all those people with their steaks.  But! The point is, I'm trying to do better, but so far so good.  So in general, life is pretty good right now.  I have no real complaints.  Emily told me about how when she was in Europe this past summer she made a "no complaining" rule for herself, and I think I'm going to try and follow that myself right now.  Otherwise I totally find myself complaining like, just to make conversation.  That's just silly.  

So now, instead of not writing in here at all, I've written the longest post ever.  Happy mediums be damned. 

i do not have the words to explain how great the past couple of weeks have been. the cottage and my very first hillside...i'll have to get back to you when i can process all the awesomeness. 

cottage!

tomorrow i leave for what will be the first of hopefully at least 2 cottage trips this summer. i literally cannot wait. for awhile i was pretty worried that this was going to be one of the few years when i wouldn't be able to join the family up north - but it isn't, and i am going! and this year actually everyone who was supposed to come, is coming.  all cousins will be present!

i am going to read like 5 books, lay in the sun, canoe, and hopefully kick some ass at crokinole and euchre. i will also sleep and eat a lot. 

i will also probably be breaking this upcoming vegetarian thing of mine to the family, which i think will be interesting...i haven't totally decided yet whether i am going to just eat meat with them this week, or take this opportunity to do the veg thing with the family and see how i do. i think it could be an excellent experiment of liz the vegetarian vs. the meat-eating family before my august 8th deadline, so maybe i'll try that out. 

oh! my dog! sometimes i forget that she's going to be there, but honestly, that's probably the best part. sophie is pretty much the greatest dog that has ever lived, and that is a fact. 

and then i'm going to get back and it will be almost hillside and then almost trenton to see my dad's family (which will be even harder to do vegetarian stylez) and then more and more of my old montreal friends will be moving this way! although some of them may be liars i suspect, and one of them probably definitely is a liar, even though i understand (and i mean YOU emily)

what i'm getting at is that this summer is so far pretty awesome (although i have been totally and completely neglecting that one research methods assignment due in august, nevermind figuring out my own research and selecting a supervisor etc.). vacation! 

so for the next 8 days, i bid civilization goodbye (and bid mosquitoes hello).

it's summertime, and i can't understand why you still feel bad....

it is summer. 

it's summer!

obviously i haven't blogged in one million years, and i'm not really sorry, seeing as how i only know of like two people who actually read this. and one of them lives with me, so she usually knows what's going down anyways. but if you're out there and have been on the edge of your seat (ha) then i apologize. 

i do not have to go to school for two whole months. two months! i am very excited about this, and have been excited for the past week. i like learning, and i like my program for the most part, but damn, i really hate always having to do work.  especially in the summer. actually, especially in the spring, but bygones. 

i have a job, so i don't need to be stressed about money. so now, on my days off, i can do whatever i want. go to the beach? read the saturday globe on the balcony while i sip my coffee? nap? frolic about the city wearing bright colours and drinking before it is socially acceptable to start drinking? yes yes yes!

at least the past two summers of my life have been less than fantastic - don't get me wrong, there have always been fantastic moments in the past few summers, but they have been overshadowed by things like jobs i hate, cockroach infestations, absent friends, heat stroke, awkwardness and general unhappiness.  maybe montreal was starting to wear on me long before i was ready to admit that it was....i hate saying that i was unhappy there, because in my heart it is still my home, my favourite city, the place where i met almost everyone who has been important to me in my semi-adult life, the place where i was first truly independent and was happy to be exactly who i am. but that said, i do think that something living there was unhealthy for me; after i finished school the city was just different, so much more melancholic, worn out, and more and more people that i loved were leaving...

but anyways. i do not live there anymore. right now, at this precise moment, that makes me really sad because it is jazzfest there and i can't believe i am sitting here on my uncomfortable couch in toronto instead of dancing in the rain with strangers in the middle of streets normally filled with honking cars.  and steely dan is playing! and dave brubeck! not that i would be able to afford those shows anyway i guess. 

but toronto: i am really starting to like it. and i think this summer is going to be grand, and i am going to savour every bite and flavour of it, and it will be delicious. 

wow

looking at the history of my safari browser is fascinating. not that i didn't know this already, but i am a master of the art of procrastination.  apparently today, while i was "researching" for my final papers (and did, in fact, get a lot done) i read about 71 different things on wikipedia.

71!!!

these included pages about spice world, i spit on your grave, "pelvic thrust" - linked from the page on rocky horror's time warp, the china syndrome, the traveling wilburys, area 51, flat earth society, harold pinter, husker du, and pod people. seriously, what is wrong with me?!

and that's just wikipedia - that does not include the variety of toronto restaurant reviews, concert listings, grocery store websites, craigslist, and various other websites i visited that have nothing to do with my school work.